If it not the struggle of work and having to fly with people who do not want to be there, or the mix of strikers and non strikers can lead to very uncomfortable atmospheres and no escape.
My biggest worry is coping with bereavement, i have such a close loving relationship with mam and dad that the thought of losing one and seeing the other one grieve and learn to live alone is too much for me, losing both will break my heart, also i have the same feelings and emotions for my almost 12 year old boxer dog Megan who has already survived more than her average age of 9 and she seems fine but she has no energy, she suffers with arthritis but controlled with medication, i love her so much and yet something else i will have to deal with.
I miss my brother and family very much and we have never really been close, something inside wonders if he thinks of me, does he wonder what i am up too or worry about me. Since being diagnosed with Diabetes no one has ever called or emailed me to see if i am OK, i could not behave this way. Even when the BA aircraft crashed at Heathrow i would have wanted to know that my brother was OK as he had no idea if i was on it or not.
I think my job has allowed me to get used to my own company and this can make the mind wander and imagine things which are not even happening.
Crying on the aircraft in the confines of my bunk on my crew rest where no one can see is common practice, i cry in my hotel room often, i do not take anti depressants anymore as i weened myself off them but something tells me i should be taking something to get me out of this deep hole of on and off depression.
I have spoken before about lack of friends, in fact "any" friends, watching too much TV shows how close family and friends can be and all this is so alien to me, never had a best friend, and i have a brother who last said hello in October 2009 when we met under frosty conditions to watch mam sing at the Royal Albert Hall, it was OK but it was obvious things were not right and never will be. We all tried, dad was happy that we were all together and mum happy we were all there to support her but it was an act, a show put on to keep the peace.
I look at people with their own businesses and ventures and wish i was my own boss, working for a company is restrictive, i cannot make decisions and have to follow rules and regulations, i will never reap the rewards of profit, just assist in helping the company to make one, i will never earn enough to be really well off, just enough to pay bills, have a regular car and a holiday once a year. People with their own destiny's have the opposite of all that, but i suppose with added pressures and responsibilities.
The more i think about moving back to the North East the more i worry about would i really want to be there once i have my parents no more, would i want to be surrounded by memories and places that will remind me of them, is this just part of life or something i would feel better living away from. I love home, Dipton is always home, i even say when in the south, " i am going home next week", when i leave the north for the south i say " i am going south" i never call it home as after 22 years in the vile south i still struggle with homesickness, being in the south finds me on my own for days at a time, when Ged comes home at 2100 every night he is tired, there is not much conversation and he usually falls asleep, but he does leave the house at 0630 for an 0800 start, finishing at 2000 and home by 2100....a long day and he has every right to fall asleep and be tired, i would.
If someone suggest a hobby i worry about leaving the dog on her own so going out is not a regular event.#
Booked a cottage in wales 11th-18th September for us and the dog, will be relaxing and as i have no staff travel after striking it is not like we have cheap flights to go away with anymore.
The cottage is near Cardigan west Wales, near the coast, north of Milford Haven so plenty to visit during the day by car, we wont make the days long as Megan does not walk a lot so picnics on the beach or in the country so she can sit on the rug and enjoy the view and the fresh air, she will love it. I do not land from Los Angeles until 1045 on the 11th and will have to get home load the car and drive for 3 hours+ to the cottage but i think i will be OK.
It is 8pm here in Phoenix and that's 0400 in morning in UK, now that's jet lag for you, feeling tired not but trying to stay on local time.
Tomorrow is another trip to the shopping mall, maybe some more bargains and more money spent, nothing else to do!!!!
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