This book "overcoming binge eating" by Dr Christopher G.Fairburn, has been recommended to me by my therapist, i would like to quote a page from the book which fits me to a "T".
"my eating problems have taken over my whole life, My friendships have been upset by violent mood swings, my family do not understand what i am going through, i have little self confidence, i get terribly depressed and anxious, i can't face seeing people.
i find it hard to concentrate on my work which has suffered as a result,my problem has caused family rows,i no longer enjoy being in the company of family and friends and avoid it wherever possible.
I have become withdrawn and introspective and have lost all self confidence and sefl respect. I don't want to go out, i don't like myself anymore."
The letter which my therapist sent to my doctor and to me reads......
"Gary presented with symptoms of severe depression and severe anxiety, he said he has felt this for a long time but had only ever been offered medication as treatment.He reported working full time but isolating himself when away, he said he had not had anyone over to the house in 5 years and tried to avoid supermaket's and crowds.
His difficulties appear to have worsened after multiple stressors in 2004, but he reported having difficulties before then too. He also described a pattern of dieting and bingeing and persistent concern about his weight for the past 23 years, although objectively he is not overweight.
i will refer him for sessions of CBT and he agreed to buy the book and read part 1 and part 2 before the sessions begin.
She was a great therapist and i look forward to offloading more shit that is in my head on her at the next session, i wonder why we end up with mental health issues, is it stress, tiredness or do others cause it by their childish behaviour.
It is also a huge shame that others turn their back on someone who is not a trouble maker but has an illness, that actually does not hurt anymore, i have moved on and will continue to make slow process for myself, not for anyone else.
I am sure that substancial little win i had made things a little better, it allowed me to do things i have always wanted to do and treat those who deserve it.
EG dads new car, their new furniture, their cruises, there expensive meals out, my new car, new tv, new dining room furniture, premium bonds, savings, cashmere rug, new bed, new wall, paved driveway, and much much more.
Sunday 29 March 2009
Sunday 22 March 2009
Jade Goody 1981-2009
The young lady who was famous only for appearing on a reality tv show has died today, at 355am on Mothers Day ( 22.3.09) Jade passed away in her sleep from Cancer.
I will admit i was never a fan of hers, she could not read or write, she had no education, she was as thick as pigs shit and came from a disfunctional family so to see them living in complete luxury and a millionnairess just did not seem to add up. Lots of us work really hard and would never be rich unless it was gained with hard work and sweat. Reality tv "stars" ( stars my arse) have never done a decent days work in their lives and live off books, tv appearances, their own perfume/clothing range and sit in 10 bedroom 10 bathroom houses.....i think wealth should be earned not given!!!!
Saying that i have a deep sorrow for her two lovely boys, and the fact that she died on mothers days is also very sad in itself.
I have just called my mum and wished her a happy mothers day, she got her present and i usually send flowers but as they are going away i thought it best not too as they will just wilt and die when they are away, good job i keep up with their lives so i am able to organise things like this.
Sleep well Jade, Rest, Smile, and remember your boys are now going to have the education and future that was not available to you, thanks to you!
I will admit i was never a fan of hers, she could not read or write, she had no education, she was as thick as pigs shit and came from a disfunctional family so to see them living in complete luxury and a millionnairess just did not seem to add up. Lots of us work really hard and would never be rich unless it was gained with hard work and sweat. Reality tv "stars" ( stars my arse) have never done a decent days work in their lives and live off books, tv appearances, their own perfume/clothing range and sit in 10 bedroom 10 bathroom houses.....i think wealth should be earned not given!!!!
Saying that i have a deep sorrow for her two lovely boys, and the fact that she died on mothers days is also very sad in itself.
I have just called my mum and wished her a happy mothers day, she got her present and i usually send flowers but as they are going away i thought it best not too as they will just wilt and die when they are away, good job i keep up with their lives so i am able to organise things like this.
Sleep well Jade, Rest, Smile, and remember your boys are now going to have the education and future that was not available to you, thanks to you!
Sunday 15 March 2009
Sundays
I would like to say this has to be the most boring day of the week, nothing happens!!!
I spend most Sundays when at home alone, just me.....after a couple of walks, a dose of Songs of Praise and Dancing on ice,im zonked!!!
Still have 4 more days off before i go back to work, not saying where as i know this blog is being read by people i rather didn't read it but i have no control over that..great 50th speech by the way....i felt i had written it myself!!!!!!!!!! or did i??????
I am going to start clearing stuff out, "normal" families have keep sakes and hand me downs but who will i hand anything down too, there are people but do i want them to have my things, i think not....thank god i have made a will and left certain individuals nothing, not even the smell of a dirty sock!!! I would rather leeav houses, money etc to people who appreciate it, charities, people that could do so much with what others take for granted. Flash cars are a status symbol and sum the person up in a nutshell, arrogant, selfish, posey and basically look at me me me me me!!!!
I prefer to blend into the bakground now and not show off, showing off is not clever, i also wish some women would not wear lots of rings, less is more and more is chavvy and tacky and very council estate!!!!
I spend most Sundays when at home alone, just me.....after a couple of walks, a dose of Songs of Praise and Dancing on ice,im zonked!!!
Still have 4 more days off before i go back to work, not saying where as i know this blog is being read by people i rather didn't read it but i have no control over that..great 50th speech by the way....i felt i had written it myself!!!!!!!!!! or did i??????
I am going to start clearing stuff out, "normal" families have keep sakes and hand me downs but who will i hand anything down too, there are people but do i want them to have my things, i think not....thank god i have made a will and left certain individuals nothing, not even the smell of a dirty sock!!! I would rather leeav houses, money etc to people who appreciate it, charities, people that could do so much with what others take for granted. Flash cars are a status symbol and sum the person up in a nutshell, arrogant, selfish, posey and basically look at me me me me me!!!!
I prefer to blend into the bakground now and not show off, showing off is not clever, i also wish some women would not wear lots of rings, less is more and more is chavvy and tacky and very council estate!!!!
Thursday 12 March 2009
The Computer
When i have moments of thought i try to rationalise what i do and why i do it.
I have realised that sitting with a lap top on my legs for 12hours+ per day is my way of staying "in tune" with the outside world without having to endure it myself.
I have a huge fear of being attacked, i don't like drunks, gangs of youths, or anyone else that would pose a threat to me when out, hence i stay in...i avoid busy times when dog walking and dont go out when it is dark.
The blinds on the front window are pulled down fully so i cannot see out and i have a curtain over the front door which is pulled, only then do i feel safe and secure and no one can hurt me or the things i love.
I would really hate to have to go through a burglary as it must be a mass invasion of privacy at the highest degree.
I wish i could push my house further back from the road so it was not so close, i would feel even safer then, but as you will see from the photo it is quite close to the road, not a busy road, just the avenue i live in.
I have realised that sitting with a lap top on my legs for 12hours+ per day is my way of staying "in tune" with the outside world without having to endure it myself.
I have a huge fear of being attacked, i don't like drunks, gangs of youths, or anyone else that would pose a threat to me when out, hence i stay in...i avoid busy times when dog walking and dont go out when it is dark.
The blinds on the front window are pulled down fully so i cannot see out and i have a curtain over the front door which is pulled, only then do i feel safe and secure and no one can hurt me or the things i love.
I would really hate to have to go through a burglary as it must be a mass invasion of privacy at the highest degree.
I wish i could push my house further back from the road so it was not so close, i would feel even safer then, but as you will see from the photo it is quite close to the road, not a busy road, just the avenue i live in.
Megan been to the vets today, nothing serious, the vet just wanted to check her after 6 months on her painkillers, she still needs to lose weight which will help her on her legs and make her medication more effective, we really must try but a cut back in her walks but with the same appetite has not helped much.
We will try to cut out extra treats and see what happens.
We will try to cut out extra treats and see what happens.
Monday 9 March 2009
OCD the next step
Having Obsessive compulsive disorder really takes over your life, it does not allow you to function properly on a daily basis and the days are taken up completing silly tasks, once they are out of the way i can relax.
I have a terrible fear of others dying, how will i cope, what will it be like, when will it happen, i also fear for my own life, if i get a pain in my chest i diagnose myself with a stroke or heart attack, the numbness in my left hand does not help matters, and now i have pains in my joints in both hands so i suppose that is early signs of arthritis.
Why is it, all the people i love are old and will only have a few years left, even my dog is getting older, being able to enjoy their life on this planet is not easy when all you think of is their deaths, funerals, trying to get on with life if they were not here anymore, what will it be like? CHRIST!!!! they are not dead yet, why does this fill my mind daily, when will it all stop.
The psychologist appointment is coming up soon so maybe she will have the answers, i do hope so as i don't!!!!
I have a fear of dying on an aeroplane while working or in some hotel room when no one finds me until they realise i have not shown up for the flight home, or even worse, something happens at home when i am away and i miss saying goodbye!! That would be soul destroying!
For now i battle on in my quest to try and lead as normal a life as is possible while having OCD, this is nothing i discuss with anyone, no one knows and no one will. I do not look for sympathy or pity, i have learnt to mind my own business, keep myself to myself and tend to my "own" garden.
Not that anyone cares, by being lonely and slightly reclusive no one ever finds out about what goes on in my life, i have cut myself off from the real world, no friends call me, no friends visit me, i have no social life and rarely leave the house.
Also no one ever asks if i am OK as i show now signs of what is really going on, so i look like a happy go lucky guy who likes a laugh and a joke.
The Citalopram have helped me feeling so low all the time, they have also stopped me crying so much when alone, however, i still get tearful when i watch some sloppy sad movie, or read about cruelty to animals.
I can only hope things can improve, i really want my life back, i want a future but it is one step forward two steps back all the time and this cannot go on..
I have a terrible fear of others dying, how will i cope, what will it be like, when will it happen, i also fear for my own life, if i get a pain in my chest i diagnose myself with a stroke or heart attack, the numbness in my left hand does not help matters, and now i have pains in my joints in both hands so i suppose that is early signs of arthritis.
Why is it, all the people i love are old and will only have a few years left, even my dog is getting older, being able to enjoy their life on this planet is not easy when all you think of is their deaths, funerals, trying to get on with life if they were not here anymore, what will it be like? CHRIST!!!! they are not dead yet, why does this fill my mind daily, when will it all stop.
The psychologist appointment is coming up soon so maybe she will have the answers, i do hope so as i don't!!!!
I have a fear of dying on an aeroplane while working or in some hotel room when no one finds me until they realise i have not shown up for the flight home, or even worse, something happens at home when i am away and i miss saying goodbye!! That would be soul destroying!
For now i battle on in my quest to try and lead as normal a life as is possible while having OCD, this is nothing i discuss with anyone, no one knows and no one will. I do not look for sympathy or pity, i have learnt to mind my own business, keep myself to myself and tend to my "own" garden.
Not that anyone cares, by being lonely and slightly reclusive no one ever finds out about what goes on in my life, i have cut myself off from the real world, no friends call me, no friends visit me, i have no social life and rarely leave the house.
Also no one ever asks if i am OK as i show now signs of what is really going on, so i look like a happy go lucky guy who likes a laugh and a joke.
The Citalopram have helped me feeling so low all the time, they have also stopped me crying so much when alone, however, i still get tearful when i watch some sloppy sad movie, or read about cruelty to animals.
I can only hope things can improve, i really want my life back, i want a future but it is one step forward two steps back all the time and this cannot go on..
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