29th December

So much has happened, after two long days sitting with mum she came home yesterday , she is fine but in bed as we all have colds and flys with the germs multiplying in hot hospitals. I am now trying to organise visiting people which had all previously been cancelled. It was lovely seeing my brother, sister in law and nephew too , all looking well and we had a good laugh. All I have to do now is prepare myself for home, what will that have to offer, a new job? New prospects, new career? Or even same career under restricted and altered terms and conditions. Whatever happens I have to be strong, I will not let them walk over me or dictate to me. My family come first under these circumstances and would with anyone with a heart!!

update on christmas day

Mum was rushed into hospital at 630pm Christmas day night, I was out at the time and had a call from dad so I rushed home only to find an empty house and ambulance tyre treads on the driveway, I sat waiting for a call from dad, I was looking at all her gifts she had opened earlier, her cakes and pies she had baked and it brought identical feelings on the day we lost Megan with seeing all her things around! Dad called mums heart rate was 200 pm instead of around 72. She was linked up to machines on the coronary care unit. It is a huge worry and I am not worrying about Christmas as it is not important anymore.

Merry Christmas

It's the 25th December, I'm trying so hard to put all the awful past behind me but without a solution it's always in my thoughts. Mum was not well this morning, my brothers wife's father has cancer, we ate mourning the loss of Megan still with this being our first Christmas without her in 12 years. I received some nice gifts, a video camera, Blu ray player, 15carat gold tie pin, dress shirt studs, socks, diabetic chocolates, books, shirt, jumper , slippers, and some lovely cufflinks that photos can be put into so Megan will be with me when I wear them. Could not eat all my dinner today, the diabetes tablets cause me to lose appetite so left half of it but it was lovely, and thank goodness for dishwashers as the washing up would be horrendous. Have lots of visiting to do mostly if not all Ged's family and friends, not many family alive now to visit and even my brother did not wish me a merry Christmas on the phone, in fact I never even got to speak to him, not particularly bothered about anyone else they have made their position crystal clear, I'd rather not bother at than be fake or indeed others being fake and false , or as it has been put in the past "civil" in public, it's all or nothing with me but I cannot be accused of not trying if others wish to be stubborn then so be it, my life is empty mist of the time so it makes little difference to me but find find it all very sad and childish. I am hoping 2011 brings me peace and happiness , so many colleagues thinking of me right now and probably so many reading this from the good to the bad to the ugly and not forgetting the two faced back stabbing scabs, yep, you know who you are and what you have done!!! May you forever lower your heads in shame as I walk with mine held high even after all the drama and upset I have been through. I am currently looking fit another job, I cannot work for a company who has so much disrespect for it's workforce and for employees who cannot see past the ends if their own noses and would rather feather their own nests than fight for a decent future ! Happy new year everyone Xxx

Grieving

Well Megan has gone, passed away, left us forever, my heart is broken, even stumbling across her in pet cemetery chapel of rest is a sight I will never get out of my head, however she looked peaceful, serene, and just like she was fast asleep on the carpet in the lounge. We miss her dreadfully and we now have her ashes it makes us feel like she is home again but in a different form, her body may have been lying in the chapel before cremation but her spirit was still on the sofa next to me or Ged! R.I.P our gorgeous girl, we love you, miss you, miss your intelligent personality , your kisses and cuddles but most of all your presence in our home. Thank you for making everyone smile who ever met you, I was proud to have you as my pet and the memories will be with me forever, you are in our thoughts, dreams, prayers and still a big part of each day even if just in spirit. I cannot express in writing what you meant to us, I cry daily and will for a long time yet, hope you know Megan that we did this to take away your pain and suffering, we always said you would leave us with dignity and you did. I hope you saw us crying, hugging you, kissing you and leaving gifts for you so you would not be alone in your new life on the other side. I feel tour presence in the house and you will spend Christmas where you always did, in the north east! Merry Christmas Megan X x x x x x x x x x x x x x

A Week Later

It is exactly a week since I got the dreaded call from the vet about Megan, the grieving process still goes on, I light a candle next to her casket every night I kiss her good morning and good night, she is watched over by her angel, and I will be taking her home next week for Christmas where she has spent it since 1999. Tomorrow begins another drastic event in my life, one I do not need after the trauma but something I have to deal with. I once again ask God to look down on me and take care of me. I also ask him to look down on good people, people dying of illnesses, the bereaved , the homeless and the poor, I also pray for peace and harmony in this world and for everyone no matter their colour, creed of sexual orientation to get along. Life is too short for pettiness and school playground name calling.

The Pet Cemetery

We went today to look about and settle the bill for the cremation, we had never been there before so I headed for the only open door I could see thinking it would be the main office. As I walked in I saw a wooden church style bench on left a remembrance book on the right and an altar at the back with flowers each side and a wooden cross on the wall , it looked like a large dog bed but as I got closer I realised it was our lovely Megan lying there under a blanket, I became hysterical and ran put, Ged went in with the man who ran the place and I followed , he pealed back the blanket to reveal my girl lying so peaceful, so serene, she had not slept in days as lying down restricted her breathing so could only sit up, I had lived on the sofa for a week not sleeping myself and massaging her back and throat when she got into difficulty. Seeing her sleeping with no pain was a blessing and helped slightly , it has not stopped us crying and mourning , we loved her and always will. The cremation is at 0800 in the morning (9th december) I have set the alarm for 0745, we will get up and light a candle and have a quiet moment and pay our final respects before picking up her ashes then heading to my aunts funeral, awful timing but one thing she did to let me know she was still around was to die at 1223, he birthday was 12th mine is 23rd. God bless Megan RIP we love you Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

R.I.P my lovely megan

1223pm my gorgeous girl passed away peacefully, I have cried or should I say sobbed all day, my dads sister died 20 minutes before her. Ironic as this was the anniversary of her husbands death and her daughters husbands, 7th December will remain etched in my head forever!! Sleep well my girl. I love you!! Xx

Megan

After night 7 on the sofa with none or little sleep I took Megan to vets and he wants to do x rays tomorrow as there is something wrong! He would have done it there and them but was full up and no space for another, a bit like Mary and Joseph, no room at the inn!! She does not seem to be wheezing and gagging so much but when she does it is pretty distressing for her and me! Let's hope the problem is solved and we have another Christmas with her I just have visions of vet calling me tomorrow to say there is a serious problem and she should be put out if her misery or she does not survive the anaesthetic! Sobbing now just typing this for anyone reading this please say a prayer for my little girl before you go to sleep. My aunt is hanging on in there but deteriorating daily and still lots of snow up north hampering the daily trek to the hospital for mum and dad!

Google

Why do we do it, just googled Megan's ailments and find myself crying like a baby, she cannot lie down to sleep and I am looking at her now falling asleep sitting up, her eyes are red and being Sunday there is nothing I can do, the pills do not seem to have worked and after a week on the sofa with little or no sleep I am exhausted. I loathe going to the vets as I convince myself all is ok, this time it's not and I need to get her some help and more medication to ease her poor old body. It's only a couple of weeks to Christmas and I do anything to make it a happy one. Aunty Nancy is hanging on in there but not eating, family take it in shifts and stay with her 24 hours a day sleeping in her room in the hospital bolt upright in those uncomfortable chairs! I have always stressed how awful for anyone or anything to die at this time of year, my cousin Jills dog died two weeks ago, Aunty Nancy is terminally ill and now Megan. It's just all too much!

Daily Horoscope!!

Your Daily Horoscope This is the right moment to extricate yourself from relationships that have seen their day, Pisces. This won't be easy, but you must. In your professional and private lives, you're too hesitant to get out of distasteful situations or obligations. You're afraid of hurting people or making them mad. But in the end, you're hurting yourself. Give more weight to your own needs and follow your own path.

Aunty update

Immediate family were called today to the bedside of Aunty Nancy, she is failing fast so mum called me at 1040am to say they were heading to the hospital in the dreadful freezing, snowy weather, the roads not good either! We had a cry together on the telephone, then to cheer me up, dad called at 120pm from bedside and put phone to her ear do I could say hello and almost goodbye! Very sad time, incredibly cruel year to me and my family, there are some incredibly hard faced people out there who , in their daily routine forget about how others may be feeling, I am very aware as to who reads this blog now and very shocked at the results ! Thanks for being loyal, or nosey or indeed gathering information for yourself to use against me!! What everyone needs to remember I have no one to talk too, no friends, no neighbours who want or need to know my lifes dramas, so thus blog ordinate things from my head and saves me bottling up stuff which would make me even more ill than I am already, there is no compassion in the world anymore, I will do anything for anybody but far to many ME ME ME people especially within the bowels of management if the company I work for, how do they get into their bowels ? Hmmm work that one out for yourself!!

Megan ails!!!

As if I did not have enough going on but I just had to take Megan to the vets as she had me up all night wheezing, coughing and unable to get any comfort for sleep. I was sleeping on the sofa and spent the night trying to comfort her. After removing the snow from the car and trying to get out of our avenue we were greeted with bad news, the vet suspected fluid on the lungs and heart failure. My world ended in a split second but the vet said this could be controlled with medication and so we were sent on our way with pills to reduce the internal fluid and pills for the heart on top of the ones she takes for her arthritis! Working one hour if getting home she started to relax, I am hoping it was the pills as the vet did give her an injection in her muscle and took her out if the room to administer it, so fingers crossed she will get through Christmas and out the other side, she has not eaten today so hope her appetite picks up! Get well for us Megan, we love you so much xxxx Ps, my Aunty is now is hospital with kidney failure so I am saying a prayer for her too !