Monday

It's Monday 2300 , off to bed now, petrified!!!!

My Poor Aunty

Welcome to the NHS. Doctor came to see her and she needs to be in hospital but they are all full as no one being discharged due to serious weather conditions and the deep snow, ambulances only used for major emergencies, caters unable to get to homes, one option was a two hour plus wait in hospital corridor in the cold, not ideal. Dad really upset and worried, she us do close to me and I cannot get to see her, this time of year too!! Her three daughters and son are taking turns to stay with her in her sheltered accommodation which is only one bedroom so Joan has the sofa and Cynthia had the reclining chair. It's a shame how such a lovely lady who worked all her life and paid her national insurance should be subject to such minimum care. I am hoping I will be able to visit her soon, hopefully before it's too late. I am at time of my life when this will start being a regular occurrence as nothing or nobody lasts forever . Death is something I find very hard to deal with being such an emotional person, but I have months of nothing then every single thing that a person could endure knocks on my door at the same time. My angel is all ready for their ride to Heathrow tomorrow, wish me luck. Also hope I get my home pc home soon as need to order stuff for Christmas and iPhones, although possible are not ideal.

Thought of the day

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on,and it will be better tomorrow". "I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things : a rainy day,lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights". "I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life". "I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a life". "I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance". "I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands,you need to be able to throw some things back..." "I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision". "I've learned that even when I have pains,I don't have to be one". "I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back..." I've learned that I still have a lot to learn". "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget you!

26/11/10

I did not know how annoying daytime tv could be, days of it on the trot can lead to brain failure. Jeremy Kyle show sponsored by Foxy bingo.com just goes to show what type of people are free to watch such drivel at 0930 weekday mornings, and you only need to look at the guests on the show, overweight, toothless benefit council estate folk who are not bothered about what they say on tv it's the fact they are actually "on" tv, how sad!! I have friends flying off to New York today and others off to Vancouver , two of my favourite cities and jealous I am not going there on the build up to Christmas when the atmosphere is great. I always make a donation to the salvation army when in New York as they stand on every street corner ringing their little bells , just like you see in the movies, everyone is all wrapped up in hats, coats, scarves and gloves, Christmas music plays in all the stores and the buzz is incredible. My dads last surviving sister ( my aunt) is not well, got a call to say her daughter had found her on the floor where she slept all night so was cold, doctor been and her 4 children are taking turns to stay with her. Dad has lost two of his three sisters on the last 3 years so this is his only surviving sibling, will be a sad day when anything happens, she has an incredible sense of humour. I already have a nice Christmas gift for her. The weather is set to get worse next week with snow and winds from the east, heating on, all cost but all alone, sad and miserable.

My three best friends!!!

Mr.Anxiety, Mr.Depression and Mr.Stress

Sofa Sleeping

Being on my own until Saturday and worrying that Megan will try and get upstairs or need to go into the garden has banished me from the bedroom to the sofa. I was watching trashy tv and re runs on Fawlty Towers until 0200 then Megan woke me at 0715 so I'm shattered as well as being bored. Freezing cold outside too but have to keep heating on low or Megan pants quite heavily, she has always managed to get her own way as she is a dominant dog but so loving and affectionate. What is love???? Is it being monogamous to one person, is it still having butterflies in your stomach and and tingling sensation in the base of your back when you're with them? Is it missing them when apart, or laughing and enjoying every second when together? Is it making joint decisions or just having them around that makes you smile. I think I have only truly been loved once, I miss being held, I miss the affection and intimacy, although I am in a relationship I may as well be single, we both have allowed this to happen and also having no friends or anyone to confide in I find myself airing my dirty washing on my blog hoping one day I will log in and someone will have commented and offered a solution and show me the light at the end of a very long tunnel. Supposed to be grocery shopping today but it's 1330 and not even dressed, no Motivation to go at all, the fear I guess..

2230pm

Wow, just had an overwhelming wave of sadness, bouts of these are frequent when alone. I am using this blog as my own personal diary to look back on when things improve and I will see what a dark place I was in. 2500 hits on my blog OMG, who is reading this drivel, well, if you know me you will have done idea where I am coming from, if you don't you will have no idea where this is going or where it will end. Boredom is dangerous, fear of stepping outdoors is scary, panic attacks when you know you have to go out, I lock myself in the car when driving, I feel safe on an airplane as sealed inside, i only wish people would realise what I struggle with on a daily basis, I have to go to the supermarket tomorrow and stressing about it already. It's really no way to live and exist but what other choice do I have. With all this time on my hands the only positive is I have been able to be with Megan 24/7 , if I had trips it would be a nightmare right now. How can doctors not explain the effects of illnesses and the symptoms involved, it was like being Jekyll and Hyde with a blood glucose level of 16.5. At least I have that under control but the outcome of it's high levels are yet to be decided. If I offended anyone I would like to sincerely apologise from my heart but I had no idea what was going on.

Hospital Radio

I wonder what this open evening will be like, there is something about giving your services free to people who are sick and dying, always people worse off than ourselves, this was always instilled in me from my parents, no matter how rough we feel or how much an injustice is being placed upon us there will always be someone, somewhere worse off. My ideal future would still be to move back home to the north east , have a nice home, see my parents and extended family more often, breathe fresh air, nice walks, great scenery, friendly people, but there is a "BUT" and that's a job!!!! So happy in the one I have, i still look forward to going to work after 22 years, meeting new friends and colleagues and as the sickly expression goes "passengers get on as strangers and leave as friends" this can be so true and I have friends all over the world that were once just passengers! I must be doing something right! I cannot remember how many Bravo awards I have for excellent customer service , and my assessments (appraisals) were always well above standard! As I keep saying I want my life back.

Evidence

You will notice that when a person is suffering an episode of hypoglycaemia (low blood sugars caused by the individual expending too much energy/sugar that their body cannot replace naturally), they can often be very aggressive towards others during the hypoglycaemic attack. As a type 1 diabetic myself, I will try to explain the reasons behind these bouts of aggression in diabetes type 1 sufferers. Firstly, when suffering a hypoglycaemic attack, a diabetic will lose control of their basic bodily functions (their hands may shake uncontrollably for instance). This can be a very frustrating experience for the individual who may take their anger, and feelings of insignificance, out on the person who is trying to help them. Sometimes a type 1 diabetic does not know why their blood sugar levels have dropped so dramatically and this feeling of the unknown can make them feel vulnerable and annoyed. To the diabetic there may be no obvious reason to explain why their body has rebelled against them. Often, when a diabetic experiences a hypoglycaemic attack, their mind is functioning normally but they just cannot send a message from their brain to their body successfully. For example, they may be aware that their blood sugar levels are dropping but not have the capability to tell the person they are with. This can make the patient very frustrated, and the person they are with seem very stupid or patronising (to the diabetic) - especially if they continue to tell the sufferer that they think their blood sugar levels are low, without realising that the diabetic is already aware of this (but simply unable to communicate it). Finally, unlike type 2 diabetes (which is generally a result of an unhealthy lifestyle choice), type 1 diabetes seems to be random in its choice of sufferers, with no obvious cause leading to the individual's pancreas breaking down. To the person diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, it can just seem like a stroke of very bad luck with no rhyme or reason behind it. This bad luck is then carried with them for the rest of their life. All of the above can go, in some part, towards explaining why a diabetic may show feelings of resentment, anger and frustration towards others when suffering a hypoglycaemic attack (especially as, the experience of low blood sugars means the individual's inhibitions and self control check is dramatically reduced) and we must try to understand that it is not meant as a personal attack to the person trying to help.

Last nights nightmare.

When you dream and the dreams turn into nightmares on a regular basis it really does affect you and your day . Last nights nightmare was becoming unemployed at the age of 46 in the middle of a global recession and feeling like a complete failure and a let down to family and friends. I have strived all me life for success but it always knocked on someone elses door and bypassed me so I was quite happy to say goodbye to responsibility and take a back seat when it came to anything that needed an individual to make an executive decision about. What the future holds "God" only knows but I will have my parents support no matter how much they try to hide their disappointment. I am anything but a criminal, never ever brought police to my parents door as a child, never stole and was raised to be kind to others and respect your elders. We all have fall outs with friends and I have had my fair share of those, I cannot believe I fell out with some of my best friends in a way that would seem to come from a person possessed, not that i am but the diabetes mixed with stress can alter a persons persona and way of thinking, it can also make you behave in a way completely out of character and when the doctor confirmed this last week it dotted the i's and crossed the t's and explained a lot to me which has left me in shock. I have been advised that diabetes is very very hard to control when crossing major time zones and having disrupted sleep patterns as it affects the times of medication. I just hope others will understand this and know I have the condition all under control and would love to get my life back now and return to his things were, I want 2011 to Neva happy, healthy, stress free year.

Reality TV

This is a real bone of contention with me, I get very irritated by Z list celebrities who's careers are in the gutter and they appear on whatever show gives them the most exposure to reap the rewards when it's over with chat shows, panto, and personal appearances. Joe public sit at home, including me watching this dross and making the shows popular. The thing is there is not much choice, take tonight for instance :- 630-745 Strictly come dancing 800-900 XFactor 900-1000 I'm a celebrity get me out of here. It seems celebrities just look after themselves and other celebs around them, now big brother has finished why not do all the above shows with Joe publics and forget the celebs, this would allow people who have never had anything to get a step on the ladder rather than line the pockets of prima donnas who should get out and do real jobs for a change. Ps forgot celebrity coach trip with that really annoying ex bucks fizz man who is living proof that reality shows only work for 99% of people and if you are and annoying man you cant even make them work for you.

Interesting

Introduction to Ronald C. Dishinger’s book Bad Behavior and Illness are caused by Biochemical Imbalances Abram Hoffer, MD, PhD, FRCP Studies of human behavior are divided into many compartments, each one occupying the attention of scientists such as psychologists, sociologists, behaviorists, criminologists, psychoanalysts and so on. Psychiatry, one of the sub sets, is emerging from a chronic flirtation with psychoanalysis from which it is slowly freeing itself, but in doing so it has embraced an almost total adherence to tranquilizer and other drug medication, as if the psychology and other aspects of behavior mattered little. It seems impossible for psychiatry to find a middle ground where all these important aspects of behavior are recognized and dealt with. The long flirtation with psychoanalysis prevented a proper examination of the role of biochemistry and physiology for many decades. More recently clinical ecologists are studying the connection between human health and the environment, especially the impact of chemicals, natural or synthetic, upon the body and the psyche. The impact of nutrition on behavior, for centuries the subject of medical study and the only successful medical treatment, was forgotten beginning in 1950 when physicians turned this subject over to nutritionists, who could not study human behavior and did not ever see the impact of abnormal nutrition in producing abnormal behavior. After a deep sleep, medicine is slowly re-awakening its interest in nutrition, a movement that was started with the discovery that mega doses of vitamins had a marked effect in alleviating disease. The connection between food and thought and behavior has been known since antiquity, but generally modern medicine ignored the role played by food allergies and by defective nutrition. One of the first physicians to show a relationship was Walter Alvarez, the great gastroenterologist at the Mayo Clinic,who published a paper about 60 years ago. He reported that if he ate fowl on Sunday he was mentally confused the following Monday. That report nearly got him fired from the Mayo Clinic. The effect of alcohol, a pseudo food, is well known, and the effect of sugar stoutly denied by the industries who sell sugar in various forms is still vigorously denied. The use of vitamins in small doses began about 70 years ago and was accelerated before the last war, after which its use declined. Using mega doses of certain vitamins including vitamin E, vitamin B-3 and vitamin C, started in the 1940's. These studies were ignored, but when my colleagues and I found that niacin lowered cholesterol levels in 1955 there was a sudden surge of interest. This finding is credited with the beginning of the new paradigm, the vitamin as treatment paradigm. We also completed the first six double blind controlled experiments in psychiatry starting in 1952 until 1960, where we showed that adding vitamin B-3 to the treatment for schizophrenics doubles their two year recovery rate. Since then many other studies confirmed these conclusions. Every physician following the original protocols has reported similar recovery rates. This led to the concepts enunciated by Linus Pauling which he called Orthomolecular Medicine. Orthomolecular medicine emphasizes the use of nutrition and nutrients in optimum doses for the treatment of all diseases. It is used in combination with drugs when needed, much as one would use a crutch while the leg is being healed and would discard it when the healing is completed. Schizophrenics who recover require continued treatment with nutrients, much as do diabetics with insulin and diet. Very few writers cover all of these areas of human behavior. They are written for their own disciplines and usually ignore the fundamental importance of nutrition and nutrients. This book by Mr. Dishinger is unique in that he reports recoveries that he has seen using all the techniques of modern medicine, including nutrition and nutrients and also support and counseling. Thus in contrast to early psychiatry of the 1950's which totally ignored nutrition in treating patients, and in contrast to modern psychiatry which totally avoids nutrition and the psychosocial aspect of the disease. His recoveries are achieved by paying proper attention to all of the important aspects of human behavior. It is his thesis that most if not all of bad human behavior can be explained on the basis of all these factors, and that recovery will not occur until they have all been given proper attention. The book is written with a good deal of detail. I think this is important since it provides the reader with the information needed to follow these treatment procedures and to discuss them with their physicians or other therapists. The best way to convince physicians of the merits of any treatment is to show them how patients, preferably their own, recovered. The next best is to provide the information in books and in the other public media. The difficulty is in getting their attention to read the books and listen to the other information. The best way to achieve this is to have patients become knowledgeable and to pass this information to their doctors. If they persist in doing so some of their doctors will eventually become interested. I recommend this book as one of the vehicles for stimulating interest in the orthomolecular treatment of the schizophrenias: the most effective method known so far. It is much more effective than using tranquilizers alone because with these drugs it is impossible to become normal even though they are helpful.

megan update

Woke up this morning at 0700 to Megan wheezing like you would hear a human asthmatic panting and wheezing. I came downstairs and lay with her before calling the vet at 0900. We took her at end of surgery at 1040 and they took blood and they will call me back later with results. The excess drinking could lead them down the diabetes road so that would make two of us! Poor Ballent is burying Oscar his beagle in their garden tomorrow. Such a sad time when we should all be getting into the Christmas spirit but with all that's going on I doubt that is going to be possible. One bit of good news, i received a cheque this morning from premium bonds for £25.00. That won't even cover the vets basic walk in charge of £28.00 plus blood tests and medication. 1600 update, Megan had an infection in her pancreas and is on anti-biotics for a week, she also has a high white blood cell count and was a little mire settled when I got home from picking up her medication. It seems we are all on the wars as my crown fell out my tooth today and took myself off to dentist who discovered an abcess under the root of the tooth and with all the work involved it will cost £740.00. my other option was for him to replace old crown and for me to return at an alternative time , cost £70.00.

dogs

I really would never have another dog again, I wish Megan could talk so I could ask what was wrong, so much panting and now starting a sort of whooping/ gagging after she has had cold water . Decided her diet starts today but I think the damage is done at her age. If there is a time in my life I did not need this it is now! The coping mechanisms are really working overtime now, really impossible. The flu jab really did hurt and I have a very sore arm now . Bad luck surely can only last for so long, I am in the longest, darkest tunnel and crawling on my hands and knees with no sign of any daylight. If there is a God you must look down on me now and help me, if it's not one thing it's another. It is like being motivated to do the London marathon but every mike someone puts a brick on your shoulders so by the end of it your crawling under the pressure.

More reality

After a morning in Wimbledon trying to make myself feel better with retail therapy and without medication I realised how nervous I was. One store forgot to remove a security tag and I went a whiter shade of pale when the security bleeper started going off as I left, the manager was very apologetic and gave the assistant a good telling off as could tell by the receipt who had made the error. I had a coffee and bought quite a few gifts which is usually done online but I made the effort today and Debenhams were having a 25% off all items day so a few bargains were had. Nothing for me today just all for others , as my mum days " you do so much for others and nothing for yourself" but this gives me joy, also if I get the hospital radio job I would gladly give up my Christmas to visit the wards and if I won the lottery I would immediately help those less fortunate than myself. I am hoping Megan feels a little better soon, she has put on so much weight with not going out for walks anymore with her spondolosis but her appetite is the same, she seems to take a long time to get comfy when she lies down and with Ged's colleague losing his beagle Oscar two days ago age 11 it does make me worry.
Megan has been my "rock" through some really bad times, she knows how i am feeling and adapts her personality to be near me if I need her and I love her with all of my heart.
My biggest hang up is "fitting in" as from the age of 5 I knew I was different but never knew why, I have struggled all my life to fit in, have friends, but always ended up the bullied, harassed and beaten loner. I must be the only person of my age who had no circle of friends or even a "best friend". I know that all the trouble and stress they can cause it's better to be on my own, you try to do the right thing but it always comes back to bite you in the backside. Over the years I have visited the sick, I sat at my aunts bedside on boxing day three years ago as I just wanted too, I donated lots of cuddly toys to Tadworth Court childrens hospital, and my passion to do hospital radio is so strong and I do have my first open meeting with them at Hillingdon hospital on 25th November. Visiting wardsband bringing a smile to a sad face through either a radio request a mention or just knowing whatever I could say on radio will be heard all over the hospital is such a buzz, voluntary as it is I would never expect being paid for it as long as I have my regular job to survive all should be ok.
Feeling low today even though the day was a success shopping wise but not having control of ones future is disturbing, depressing, and the crux of all my problems.
It is 1520 and I have a flu jab to endure at 350pm I thought I was too young but apparently it is linked to my diabetes as I am an "at risk" patient

Royal Wedding Announcement

Today, November 16th 2010 Prince William and Katherine (Kate)Middleton announced their engagement with a royal wedding expected in spring/summer 2011 in London.

C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S

Preparation

When my lively lovely boxer dog Megan was a pup I was exhausted and used to say to her "will you ever calm down", now she is almost 12 I wish she was young again, she is slow with her arthritis and suffers skin flaking problems on top of her spondolitus or is it spondolisis, arthritis of the spine.
I love her so much and seeing her going slowly downhill at this present time is heartbreaking. I have hundreds of photos of her and memories which I will take to the grave.

This is so typical of me, worrying and stressing about losing her rather than enjoying her, this has been going on since someone told me boxers only live until 8-9 years old. She us now almost 12 so there are 4 years of worry that was unnecessary. Some people live stress free lives and I would love to be able to be that way but I worry about the opening of an envelope.
I am going to try and go Christmas shopping tomorrow so that should be eventful as long as I don't have a panic attack and run back to the car.

Voluntary work

As I will have some time on my hands I thought I would apply to Hospital radio around various hospitals in this area. The thought of bringing joy to faces of people who are suffering, visiting wards and taking dedications from patients is right up my street. I get a great deal of joy from work like this , it makes me feel better within myself and give something back to the community.
It is similar to when I did voluntary work for the Terrence Higgins Trust and buddied people with HIV and Aids, I found this a little traumatic as when you get to know someone well and become friends, then they die and you are allocated another person it did get a little much for me, however it made me a person who used to be able to deal with all kinds of little dramas as mine always seemed so trivial.
I gain my current faltering strength from great parents, a partner who tries to brighten up a dull day in his own special way and the fact I am not in Afghanistan, I do not have an illness which will kill me, yet, and I am safe.
Being unable to cooperate to clear up a misunderstanding recently was heartbreaking to me, friends who I nay have hurt are still truly in my heart no matter what happened earlier this year and I am sure once this is all over I would like to give them the opportunity to step back into my life and re-embrace the friendship we once had before all the crap happened at work. We all need to consider others decisions and realise we all made these decisions for a reason, I just wish I did not have diabetes then I would still have these people in my life.

From a Travel Magazine

Why BA flight attendants are on strike – by a former BA flight attendant
22 March 2010 at 8:46 am (transport)
GUEST POST: written by a former British Airways flight attendant

As the strike at BA takes effect, what are cabin crew really fighting for?

Having recently hung up my teapot and retired from my role as British airways cabin crew after five years, my heart goes out to my former colleagues battling the British Airways big chiefs and trying to retain just a few of the conditions they originally signed up for. Don’t be goaded into believing the strike is a stand over a few pennies here and there. It’s not. It’s a stand against imposition, loss of earnings and an embarrassingly sub-standard product that still costs the same inflated price. Let me fill you in on what the press hasn’t.

So what’s happening? Firstly, let’s talk basics. A cabin crew’s salary is made up of two parts. A (very) low basic which is boosted by allowances. These allowances are made up of various extra payments and can only be earned when you actually fly. They are accrued based on your fleet i.e. longhaul or shorthaul and also which flights you undertake; some being worth more than others due to length of flight, destination and nights away from base(London Heathrow).

So what’s the problem? In basic terms, the strike is twofold. It’s about BA’s plans for a new fleet that will bring in an hourly rate and massively cut crews salary and secondly, the imposition of changes to cabin crew working conditions without Union negotiation.

BA wants to implement a new mixed fleet at London Heathrow the same as they have at London Gatwick. This will involve all crew flying a mixture of long haul routes and short haul routes.

What’s wrong with that? I hear you say. Well, anyone joining the new fleet will have to sign the new terms and conditions which will be greatly reduced on all levels from the current conditions BA crew have. This new fleet will be earning far less on an hourly rate and will most likely consist of new starters who wish to do it for just a year. This will be far cheaper for the company.

If current crew don’t sign up to the new agreement (and there is NO incentive to do so – would you lose a massive chunk of your salary forever if asked?!), they stand to end up with the lowest-earning trips (and therefore cutting their salaries) or worse still, an empty roster (also cutting their salaries). Neither good.

To give you some idea of monies, on an average month I would take home about £1,750. On the new contract, I will be lucky to take home £1,000. That is a substantial cut to anyone’s earnings and especially people who have forged a career at BA and have families reliant on their income. Least we not forget that unlike many other airlines, the majority of BA cabin crew are long termers who take the job seriously and make a long-term career out of it.

The second point I mentioned is imposition. When the recession hit, all companies were forced to make cutbacks, and BA were no exception. Thousands of cabin crew agreed to part time contracts and over 2,000 crew (including myself) signed up and took voluntary redundancy to save the company money. Cabin crew also agreed to a two-year pay freeze and reduced working conditions (as did pilots although, unlike cabin crew, they have been promised the loss of earnings back at the end of the two years).

However, BA wanted to reduce both areas to a slither and refused any negotiation. Without discussion, they took a crew member off all aircraft, impacting on the level of service crew were able to provide.

For example, reduced levels on long haul flights mean that the CSD (the in-charge crew member who previously dealt with passenger problems, the in-flight entertainment and all aircraft admin) must now work on trolley during the meal service. This is all well and good until the in-flight entertainment breaks or the CSD has to deal with a passenger query and all of a sudden you have an empty trolley!

Coupled with the massively reduced product (i.e. Business class washbags are now request only. No hot towels. Not enough newspapers to go around, etc) the CSD is often away dealing with a multitude of complaints. And that is if he/she isn’t off trying to fix the in-flight entertainment system on nearly every flight.

To summarise, British Airways cabin crew are fighting to retain reasonable working conditions and salaries for themselves, as well as a respectable level of product for the customers.

As one of my former colleagues commented, “We want to work for British Airways, not a higher-class version of Ryanair.”

And that is the essence of it really; this doesn’t just affect those who fly to serve. It affects all of us who fly British Airways .

Crew wish to work for a world-class airline and I am sure you want to fly on one.

If you read this and don’t agree with the crew going on strike, that is fine. Just remember though, next time you take your British Airways seat and receive half the product you expected or a fraction of the service, it’s what you asked for, and you are in no real position to complain.

This guest post was written by a former British Airways flight attendant who wishes to remain anonymous because he/she still has many close friends in the business and does not want to jeopardise their current situation.