More reality

After a morning in Wimbledon trying to make myself feel better with retail therapy and without medication I realised how nervous I was. One store forgot to remove a security tag and I went a whiter shade of pale when the security bleeper started going off as I left, the manager was very apologetic and gave the assistant a good telling off as could tell by the receipt who had made the error. I had a coffee and bought quite a few gifts which is usually done online but I made the effort today and Debenhams were having a 25% off all items day so a few bargains were had. Nothing for me today just all for others , as my mum days " you do so much for others and nothing for yourself" but this gives me joy, also if I get the hospital radio job I would gladly give up my Christmas to visit the wards and if I won the lottery I would immediately help those less fortunate than myself. I am hoping Megan feels a little better soon, she has put on so much weight with not going out for walks anymore with her spondolosis but her appetite is the same, she seems to take a long time to get comfy when she lies down and with Ged's colleague losing his beagle Oscar two days ago age 11 it does make me worry.
Megan has been my "rock" through some really bad times, she knows how i am feeling and adapts her personality to be near me if I need her and I love her with all of my heart.
My biggest hang up is "fitting in" as from the age of 5 I knew I was different but never knew why, I have struggled all my life to fit in, have friends, but always ended up the bullied, harassed and beaten loner. I must be the only person of my age who had no circle of friends or even a "best friend". I know that all the trouble and stress they can cause it's better to be on my own, you try to do the right thing but it always comes back to bite you in the backside. Over the years I have visited the sick, I sat at my aunts bedside on boxing day three years ago as I just wanted too, I donated lots of cuddly toys to Tadworth Court childrens hospital, and my passion to do hospital radio is so strong and I do have my first open meeting with them at Hillingdon hospital on 25th November. Visiting wardsband bringing a smile to a sad face through either a radio request a mention or just knowing whatever I could say on radio will be heard all over the hospital is such a buzz, voluntary as it is I would never expect being paid for it as long as I have my regular job to survive all should be ok.
Feeling low today even though the day was a success shopping wise but not having control of ones future is disturbing, depressing, and the crux of all my problems.
It is 1520 and I have a flu jab to endure at 350pm I thought I was too young but apparently it is linked to my diabetes as I am an "at risk" patient