29th December

So much has happened, after two long days sitting with mum she came home yesterday , she is fine but in bed as we all have colds and flys with the germs multiplying in hot hospitals. I am now trying to organise visiting people which had all previously been cancelled. It was lovely seeing my brother, sister in law and nephew too , all looking well and we had a good laugh. All I have to do now is prepare myself for home, what will that have to offer, a new job? New prospects, new career? Or even same career under restricted and altered terms and conditions. Whatever happens I have to be strong, I will not let them walk over me or dictate to me. My family come first under these circumstances and would with anyone with a heart!!

update on christmas day

Mum was rushed into hospital at 630pm Christmas day night, I was out at the time and had a call from dad so I rushed home only to find an empty house and ambulance tyre treads on the driveway, I sat waiting for a call from dad, I was looking at all her gifts she had opened earlier, her cakes and pies she had baked and it brought identical feelings on the day we lost Megan with seeing all her things around! Dad called mums heart rate was 200 pm instead of around 72. She was linked up to machines on the coronary care unit. It is a huge worry and I am not worrying about Christmas as it is not important anymore.

Merry Christmas

It's the 25th December, I'm trying so hard to put all the awful past behind me but without a solution it's always in my thoughts. Mum was not well this morning, my brothers wife's father has cancer, we ate mourning the loss of Megan still with this being our first Christmas without her in 12 years. I received some nice gifts, a video camera, Blu ray player, 15carat gold tie pin, dress shirt studs, socks, diabetic chocolates, books, shirt, jumper , slippers, and some lovely cufflinks that photos can be put into so Megan will be with me when I wear them. Could not eat all my dinner today, the diabetes tablets cause me to lose appetite so left half of it but it was lovely, and thank goodness for dishwashers as the washing up would be horrendous. Have lots of visiting to do mostly if not all Ged's family and friends, not many family alive now to visit and even my brother did not wish me a merry Christmas on the phone, in fact I never even got to speak to him, not particularly bothered about anyone else they have made their position crystal clear, I'd rather not bother at than be fake or indeed others being fake and false , or as it has been put in the past "civil" in public, it's all or nothing with me but I cannot be accused of not trying if others wish to be stubborn then so be it, my life is empty mist of the time so it makes little difference to me but find find it all very sad and childish. I am hoping 2011 brings me peace and happiness , so many colleagues thinking of me right now and probably so many reading this from the good to the bad to the ugly and not forgetting the two faced back stabbing scabs, yep, you know who you are and what you have done!!! May you forever lower your heads in shame as I walk with mine held high even after all the drama and upset I have been through. I am currently looking fit another job, I cannot work for a company who has so much disrespect for it's workforce and for employees who cannot see past the ends if their own noses and would rather feather their own nests than fight for a decent future ! Happy new year everyone Xxx

Grieving

Well Megan has gone, passed away, left us forever, my heart is broken, even stumbling across her in pet cemetery chapel of rest is a sight I will never get out of my head, however she looked peaceful, serene, and just like she was fast asleep on the carpet in the lounge. We miss her dreadfully and we now have her ashes it makes us feel like she is home again but in a different form, her body may have been lying in the chapel before cremation but her spirit was still on the sofa next to me or Ged! R.I.P our gorgeous girl, we love you, miss you, miss your intelligent personality , your kisses and cuddles but most of all your presence in our home. Thank you for making everyone smile who ever met you, I was proud to have you as my pet and the memories will be with me forever, you are in our thoughts, dreams, prayers and still a big part of each day even if just in spirit. I cannot express in writing what you meant to us, I cry daily and will for a long time yet, hope you know Megan that we did this to take away your pain and suffering, we always said you would leave us with dignity and you did. I hope you saw us crying, hugging you, kissing you and leaving gifts for you so you would not be alone in your new life on the other side. I feel tour presence in the house and you will spend Christmas where you always did, in the north east! Merry Christmas Megan X x x x x x x x x x x x x x

A Week Later

It is exactly a week since I got the dreaded call from the vet about Megan, the grieving process still goes on, I light a candle next to her casket every night I kiss her good morning and good night, she is watched over by her angel, and I will be taking her home next week for Christmas where she has spent it since 1999. Tomorrow begins another drastic event in my life, one I do not need after the trauma but something I have to deal with. I once again ask God to look down on me and take care of me. I also ask him to look down on good people, people dying of illnesses, the bereaved , the homeless and the poor, I also pray for peace and harmony in this world and for everyone no matter their colour, creed of sexual orientation to get along. Life is too short for pettiness and school playground name calling.

The Pet Cemetery

We went today to look about and settle the bill for the cremation, we had never been there before so I headed for the only open door I could see thinking it would be the main office. As I walked in I saw a wooden church style bench on left a remembrance book on the right and an altar at the back with flowers each side and a wooden cross on the wall , it looked like a large dog bed but as I got closer I realised it was our lovely Megan lying there under a blanket, I became hysterical and ran put, Ged went in with the man who ran the place and I followed , he pealed back the blanket to reveal my girl lying so peaceful, so serene, she had not slept in days as lying down restricted her breathing so could only sit up, I had lived on the sofa for a week not sleeping myself and massaging her back and throat when she got into difficulty. Seeing her sleeping with no pain was a blessing and helped slightly , it has not stopped us crying and mourning , we loved her and always will. The cremation is at 0800 in the morning (9th december) I have set the alarm for 0745, we will get up and light a candle and have a quiet moment and pay our final respects before picking up her ashes then heading to my aunts funeral, awful timing but one thing she did to let me know she was still around was to die at 1223, he birthday was 12th mine is 23rd. God bless Megan RIP we love you Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

R.I.P my lovely megan

1223pm my gorgeous girl passed away peacefully, I have cried or should I say sobbed all day, my dads sister died 20 minutes before her. Ironic as this was the anniversary of her husbands death and her daughters husbands, 7th December will remain etched in my head forever!! Sleep well my girl. I love you!! Xx

Megan

After night 7 on the sofa with none or little sleep I took Megan to vets and he wants to do x rays tomorrow as there is something wrong! He would have done it there and them but was full up and no space for another, a bit like Mary and Joseph, no room at the inn!! She does not seem to be wheezing and gagging so much but when she does it is pretty distressing for her and me! Let's hope the problem is solved and we have another Christmas with her I just have visions of vet calling me tomorrow to say there is a serious problem and she should be put out if her misery or she does not survive the anaesthetic! Sobbing now just typing this for anyone reading this please say a prayer for my little girl before you go to sleep. My aunt is hanging on in there but deteriorating daily and still lots of snow up north hampering the daily trek to the hospital for mum and dad!

Google

Why do we do it, just googled Megan's ailments and find myself crying like a baby, she cannot lie down to sleep and I am looking at her now falling asleep sitting up, her eyes are red and being Sunday there is nothing I can do, the pills do not seem to have worked and after a week on the sofa with little or no sleep I am exhausted. I loathe going to the vets as I convince myself all is ok, this time it's not and I need to get her some help and more medication to ease her poor old body. It's only a couple of weeks to Christmas and I do anything to make it a happy one. Aunty Nancy is hanging on in there but not eating, family take it in shifts and stay with her 24 hours a day sleeping in her room in the hospital bolt upright in those uncomfortable chairs! I have always stressed how awful for anyone or anything to die at this time of year, my cousin Jills dog died two weeks ago, Aunty Nancy is terminally ill and now Megan. It's just all too much!

Daily Horoscope!!

Your Daily Horoscope This is the right moment to extricate yourself from relationships that have seen their day, Pisces. This won't be easy, but you must. In your professional and private lives, you're too hesitant to get out of distasteful situations or obligations. You're afraid of hurting people or making them mad. But in the end, you're hurting yourself. Give more weight to your own needs and follow your own path.

Aunty update

Immediate family were called today to the bedside of Aunty Nancy, she is failing fast so mum called me at 1040am to say they were heading to the hospital in the dreadful freezing, snowy weather, the roads not good either! We had a cry together on the telephone, then to cheer me up, dad called at 120pm from bedside and put phone to her ear do I could say hello and almost goodbye! Very sad time, incredibly cruel year to me and my family, there are some incredibly hard faced people out there who , in their daily routine forget about how others may be feeling, I am very aware as to who reads this blog now and very shocked at the results ! Thanks for being loyal, or nosey or indeed gathering information for yourself to use against me!! What everyone needs to remember I have no one to talk too, no friends, no neighbours who want or need to know my lifes dramas, so thus blog ordinate things from my head and saves me bottling up stuff which would make me even more ill than I am already, there is no compassion in the world anymore, I will do anything for anybody but far to many ME ME ME people especially within the bowels of management if the company I work for, how do they get into their bowels ? Hmmm work that one out for yourself!!

Megan ails!!!

As if I did not have enough going on but I just had to take Megan to the vets as she had me up all night wheezing, coughing and unable to get any comfort for sleep. I was sleeping on the sofa and spent the night trying to comfort her. After removing the snow from the car and trying to get out of our avenue we were greeted with bad news, the vet suspected fluid on the lungs and heart failure. My world ended in a split second but the vet said this could be controlled with medication and so we were sent on our way with pills to reduce the internal fluid and pills for the heart on top of the ones she takes for her arthritis! Working one hour if getting home she started to relax, I am hoping it was the pills as the vet did give her an injection in her muscle and took her out if the room to administer it, so fingers crossed she will get through Christmas and out the other side, she has not eaten today so hope her appetite picks up! Get well for us Megan, we love you so much xxxx Ps, my Aunty is now is hospital with kidney failure so I am saying a prayer for her too !

Monday

It's Monday 2300 , off to bed now, petrified!!!!

My Poor Aunty

Welcome to the NHS. Doctor came to see her and she needs to be in hospital but they are all full as no one being discharged due to serious weather conditions and the deep snow, ambulances only used for major emergencies, caters unable to get to homes, one option was a two hour plus wait in hospital corridor in the cold, not ideal. Dad really upset and worried, she us do close to me and I cannot get to see her, this time of year too!! Her three daughters and son are taking turns to stay with her in her sheltered accommodation which is only one bedroom so Joan has the sofa and Cynthia had the reclining chair. It's a shame how such a lovely lady who worked all her life and paid her national insurance should be subject to such minimum care. I am hoping I will be able to visit her soon, hopefully before it's too late. I am at time of my life when this will start being a regular occurrence as nothing or nobody lasts forever . Death is something I find very hard to deal with being such an emotional person, but I have months of nothing then every single thing that a person could endure knocks on my door at the same time. My angel is all ready for their ride to Heathrow tomorrow, wish me luck. Also hope I get my home pc home soon as need to order stuff for Christmas and iPhones, although possible are not ideal.

Thought of the day

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on,and it will be better tomorrow". "I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things : a rainy day,lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights". "I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life". "I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a life". "I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance". "I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands,you need to be able to throw some things back..." "I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision". "I've learned that even when I have pains,I don't have to be one". "I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back..." I've learned that I still have a lot to learn". "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget you!

26/11/10

I did not know how annoying daytime tv could be, days of it on the trot can lead to brain failure. Jeremy Kyle show sponsored by Foxy bingo.com just goes to show what type of people are free to watch such drivel at 0930 weekday mornings, and you only need to look at the guests on the show, overweight, toothless benefit council estate folk who are not bothered about what they say on tv it's the fact they are actually "on" tv, how sad!! I have friends flying off to New York today and others off to Vancouver , two of my favourite cities and jealous I am not going there on the build up to Christmas when the atmosphere is great. I always make a donation to the salvation army when in New York as they stand on every street corner ringing their little bells , just like you see in the movies, everyone is all wrapped up in hats, coats, scarves and gloves, Christmas music plays in all the stores and the buzz is incredible. My dads last surviving sister ( my aunt) is not well, got a call to say her daughter had found her on the floor where she slept all night so was cold, doctor been and her 4 children are taking turns to stay with her. Dad has lost two of his three sisters on the last 3 years so this is his only surviving sibling, will be a sad day when anything happens, she has an incredible sense of humour. I already have a nice Christmas gift for her. The weather is set to get worse next week with snow and winds from the east, heating on, all cost but all alone, sad and miserable.

My three best friends!!!

Mr.Anxiety, Mr.Depression and Mr.Stress

Sofa Sleeping

Being on my own until Saturday and worrying that Megan will try and get upstairs or need to go into the garden has banished me from the bedroom to the sofa. I was watching trashy tv and re runs on Fawlty Towers until 0200 then Megan woke me at 0715 so I'm shattered as well as being bored. Freezing cold outside too but have to keep heating on low or Megan pants quite heavily, she has always managed to get her own way as she is a dominant dog but so loving and affectionate. What is love???? Is it being monogamous to one person, is it still having butterflies in your stomach and and tingling sensation in the base of your back when you're with them? Is it missing them when apart, or laughing and enjoying every second when together? Is it making joint decisions or just having them around that makes you smile. I think I have only truly been loved once, I miss being held, I miss the affection and intimacy, although I am in a relationship I may as well be single, we both have allowed this to happen and also having no friends or anyone to confide in I find myself airing my dirty washing on my blog hoping one day I will log in and someone will have commented and offered a solution and show me the light at the end of a very long tunnel. Supposed to be grocery shopping today but it's 1330 and not even dressed, no Motivation to go at all, the fear I guess..

2230pm

Wow, just had an overwhelming wave of sadness, bouts of these are frequent when alone. I am using this blog as my own personal diary to look back on when things improve and I will see what a dark place I was in. 2500 hits on my blog OMG, who is reading this drivel, well, if you know me you will have done idea where I am coming from, if you don't you will have no idea where this is going or where it will end. Boredom is dangerous, fear of stepping outdoors is scary, panic attacks when you know you have to go out, I lock myself in the car when driving, I feel safe on an airplane as sealed inside, i only wish people would realise what I struggle with on a daily basis, I have to go to the supermarket tomorrow and stressing about it already. It's really no way to live and exist but what other choice do I have. With all this time on my hands the only positive is I have been able to be with Megan 24/7 , if I had trips it would be a nightmare right now. How can doctors not explain the effects of illnesses and the symptoms involved, it was like being Jekyll and Hyde with a blood glucose level of 16.5. At least I have that under control but the outcome of it's high levels are yet to be decided. If I offended anyone I would like to sincerely apologise from my heart but I had no idea what was going on.

Hospital Radio

I wonder what this open evening will be like, there is something about giving your services free to people who are sick and dying, always people worse off than ourselves, this was always instilled in me from my parents, no matter how rough we feel or how much an injustice is being placed upon us there will always be someone, somewhere worse off. My ideal future would still be to move back home to the north east , have a nice home, see my parents and extended family more often, breathe fresh air, nice walks, great scenery, friendly people, but there is a "BUT" and that's a job!!!! So happy in the one I have, i still look forward to going to work after 22 years, meeting new friends and colleagues and as the sickly expression goes "passengers get on as strangers and leave as friends" this can be so true and I have friends all over the world that were once just passengers! I must be doing something right! I cannot remember how many Bravo awards I have for excellent customer service , and my assessments (appraisals) were always well above standard! As I keep saying I want my life back.

Evidence

You will notice that when a person is suffering an episode of hypoglycaemia (low blood sugars caused by the individual expending too much energy/sugar that their body cannot replace naturally), they can often be very aggressive towards others during the hypoglycaemic attack. As a type 1 diabetic myself, I will try to explain the reasons behind these bouts of aggression in diabetes type 1 sufferers. Firstly, when suffering a hypoglycaemic attack, a diabetic will lose control of their basic bodily functions (their hands may shake uncontrollably for instance). This can be a very frustrating experience for the individual who may take their anger, and feelings of insignificance, out on the person who is trying to help them. Sometimes a type 1 diabetic does not know why their blood sugar levels have dropped so dramatically and this feeling of the unknown can make them feel vulnerable and annoyed. To the diabetic there may be no obvious reason to explain why their body has rebelled against them. Often, when a diabetic experiences a hypoglycaemic attack, their mind is functioning normally but they just cannot send a message from their brain to their body successfully. For example, they may be aware that their blood sugar levels are dropping but not have the capability to tell the person they are with. This can make the patient very frustrated, and the person they are with seem very stupid or patronising (to the diabetic) - especially if they continue to tell the sufferer that they think their blood sugar levels are low, without realising that the diabetic is already aware of this (but simply unable to communicate it). Finally, unlike type 2 diabetes (which is generally a result of an unhealthy lifestyle choice), type 1 diabetes seems to be random in its choice of sufferers, with no obvious cause leading to the individual's pancreas breaking down. To the person diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, it can just seem like a stroke of very bad luck with no rhyme or reason behind it. This bad luck is then carried with them for the rest of their life. All of the above can go, in some part, towards explaining why a diabetic may show feelings of resentment, anger and frustration towards others when suffering a hypoglycaemic attack (especially as, the experience of low blood sugars means the individual's inhibitions and self control check is dramatically reduced) and we must try to understand that it is not meant as a personal attack to the person trying to help.

Last nights nightmare.

When you dream and the dreams turn into nightmares on a regular basis it really does affect you and your day . Last nights nightmare was becoming unemployed at the age of 46 in the middle of a global recession and feeling like a complete failure and a let down to family and friends. I have strived all me life for success but it always knocked on someone elses door and bypassed me so I was quite happy to say goodbye to responsibility and take a back seat when it came to anything that needed an individual to make an executive decision about. What the future holds "God" only knows but I will have my parents support no matter how much they try to hide their disappointment. I am anything but a criminal, never ever brought police to my parents door as a child, never stole and was raised to be kind to others and respect your elders. We all have fall outs with friends and I have had my fair share of those, I cannot believe I fell out with some of my best friends in a way that would seem to come from a person possessed, not that i am but the diabetes mixed with stress can alter a persons persona and way of thinking, it can also make you behave in a way completely out of character and when the doctor confirmed this last week it dotted the i's and crossed the t's and explained a lot to me which has left me in shock. I have been advised that diabetes is very very hard to control when crossing major time zones and having disrupted sleep patterns as it affects the times of medication. I just hope others will understand this and know I have the condition all under control and would love to get my life back now and return to his things were, I want 2011 to Neva happy, healthy, stress free year.

Reality TV

This is a real bone of contention with me, I get very irritated by Z list celebrities who's careers are in the gutter and they appear on whatever show gives them the most exposure to reap the rewards when it's over with chat shows, panto, and personal appearances. Joe public sit at home, including me watching this dross and making the shows popular. The thing is there is not much choice, take tonight for instance :- 630-745 Strictly come dancing 800-900 XFactor 900-1000 I'm a celebrity get me out of here. It seems celebrities just look after themselves and other celebs around them, now big brother has finished why not do all the above shows with Joe publics and forget the celebs, this would allow people who have never had anything to get a step on the ladder rather than line the pockets of prima donnas who should get out and do real jobs for a change. Ps forgot celebrity coach trip with that really annoying ex bucks fizz man who is living proof that reality shows only work for 99% of people and if you are and annoying man you cant even make them work for you.

Interesting

Introduction to Ronald C. Dishinger’s book Bad Behavior and Illness are caused by Biochemical Imbalances Abram Hoffer, MD, PhD, FRCP Studies of human behavior are divided into many compartments, each one occupying the attention of scientists such as psychologists, sociologists, behaviorists, criminologists, psychoanalysts and so on. Psychiatry, one of the sub sets, is emerging from a chronic flirtation with psychoanalysis from which it is slowly freeing itself, but in doing so it has embraced an almost total adherence to tranquilizer and other drug medication, as if the psychology and other aspects of behavior mattered little. It seems impossible for psychiatry to find a middle ground where all these important aspects of behavior are recognized and dealt with. The long flirtation with psychoanalysis prevented a proper examination of the role of biochemistry and physiology for many decades. More recently clinical ecologists are studying the connection between human health and the environment, especially the impact of chemicals, natural or synthetic, upon the body and the psyche. The impact of nutrition on behavior, for centuries the subject of medical study and the only successful medical treatment, was forgotten beginning in 1950 when physicians turned this subject over to nutritionists, who could not study human behavior and did not ever see the impact of abnormal nutrition in producing abnormal behavior. After a deep sleep, medicine is slowly re-awakening its interest in nutrition, a movement that was started with the discovery that mega doses of vitamins had a marked effect in alleviating disease. The connection between food and thought and behavior has been known since antiquity, but generally modern medicine ignored the role played by food allergies and by defective nutrition. One of the first physicians to show a relationship was Walter Alvarez, the great gastroenterologist at the Mayo Clinic,who published a paper about 60 years ago. He reported that if he ate fowl on Sunday he was mentally confused the following Monday. That report nearly got him fired from the Mayo Clinic. The effect of alcohol, a pseudo food, is well known, and the effect of sugar stoutly denied by the industries who sell sugar in various forms is still vigorously denied. The use of vitamins in small doses began about 70 years ago and was accelerated before the last war, after which its use declined. Using mega doses of certain vitamins including vitamin E, vitamin B-3 and vitamin C, started in the 1940's. These studies were ignored, but when my colleagues and I found that niacin lowered cholesterol levels in 1955 there was a sudden surge of interest. This finding is credited with the beginning of the new paradigm, the vitamin as treatment paradigm. We also completed the first six double blind controlled experiments in psychiatry starting in 1952 until 1960, where we showed that adding vitamin B-3 to the treatment for schizophrenics doubles their two year recovery rate. Since then many other studies confirmed these conclusions. Every physician following the original protocols has reported similar recovery rates. This led to the concepts enunciated by Linus Pauling which he called Orthomolecular Medicine. Orthomolecular medicine emphasizes the use of nutrition and nutrients in optimum doses for the treatment of all diseases. It is used in combination with drugs when needed, much as one would use a crutch while the leg is being healed and would discard it when the healing is completed. Schizophrenics who recover require continued treatment with nutrients, much as do diabetics with insulin and diet. Very few writers cover all of these areas of human behavior. They are written for their own disciplines and usually ignore the fundamental importance of nutrition and nutrients. This book by Mr. Dishinger is unique in that he reports recoveries that he has seen using all the techniques of modern medicine, including nutrition and nutrients and also support and counseling. Thus in contrast to early psychiatry of the 1950's which totally ignored nutrition in treating patients, and in contrast to modern psychiatry which totally avoids nutrition and the psychosocial aspect of the disease. His recoveries are achieved by paying proper attention to all of the important aspects of human behavior. It is his thesis that most if not all of bad human behavior can be explained on the basis of all these factors, and that recovery will not occur until they have all been given proper attention. The book is written with a good deal of detail. I think this is important since it provides the reader with the information needed to follow these treatment procedures and to discuss them with their physicians or other therapists. The best way to convince physicians of the merits of any treatment is to show them how patients, preferably their own, recovered. The next best is to provide the information in books and in the other public media. The difficulty is in getting their attention to read the books and listen to the other information. The best way to achieve this is to have patients become knowledgeable and to pass this information to their doctors. If they persist in doing so some of their doctors will eventually become interested. I recommend this book as one of the vehicles for stimulating interest in the orthomolecular treatment of the schizophrenias: the most effective method known so far. It is much more effective than using tranquilizers alone because with these drugs it is impossible to become normal even though they are helpful.

megan update

Woke up this morning at 0700 to Megan wheezing like you would hear a human asthmatic panting and wheezing. I came downstairs and lay with her before calling the vet at 0900. We took her at end of surgery at 1040 and they took blood and they will call me back later with results. The excess drinking could lead them down the diabetes road so that would make two of us! Poor Ballent is burying Oscar his beagle in their garden tomorrow. Such a sad time when we should all be getting into the Christmas spirit but with all that's going on I doubt that is going to be possible. One bit of good news, i received a cheque this morning from premium bonds for £25.00. That won't even cover the vets basic walk in charge of £28.00 plus blood tests and medication. 1600 update, Megan had an infection in her pancreas and is on anti-biotics for a week, she also has a high white blood cell count and was a little mire settled when I got home from picking up her medication. It seems we are all on the wars as my crown fell out my tooth today and took myself off to dentist who discovered an abcess under the root of the tooth and with all the work involved it will cost £740.00. my other option was for him to replace old crown and for me to return at an alternative time , cost £70.00.

dogs

I really would never have another dog again, I wish Megan could talk so I could ask what was wrong, so much panting and now starting a sort of whooping/ gagging after she has had cold water . Decided her diet starts today but I think the damage is done at her age. If there is a time in my life I did not need this it is now! The coping mechanisms are really working overtime now, really impossible. The flu jab really did hurt and I have a very sore arm now . Bad luck surely can only last for so long, I am in the longest, darkest tunnel and crawling on my hands and knees with no sign of any daylight. If there is a God you must look down on me now and help me, if it's not one thing it's another. It is like being motivated to do the London marathon but every mike someone puts a brick on your shoulders so by the end of it your crawling under the pressure.

More reality

After a morning in Wimbledon trying to make myself feel better with retail therapy and without medication I realised how nervous I was. One store forgot to remove a security tag and I went a whiter shade of pale when the security bleeper started going off as I left, the manager was very apologetic and gave the assistant a good telling off as could tell by the receipt who had made the error. I had a coffee and bought quite a few gifts which is usually done online but I made the effort today and Debenhams were having a 25% off all items day so a few bargains were had. Nothing for me today just all for others , as my mum days " you do so much for others and nothing for yourself" but this gives me joy, also if I get the hospital radio job I would gladly give up my Christmas to visit the wards and if I won the lottery I would immediately help those less fortunate than myself. I am hoping Megan feels a little better soon, she has put on so much weight with not going out for walks anymore with her spondolosis but her appetite is the same, she seems to take a long time to get comfy when she lies down and with Ged's colleague losing his beagle Oscar two days ago age 11 it does make me worry.
Megan has been my "rock" through some really bad times, she knows how i am feeling and adapts her personality to be near me if I need her and I love her with all of my heart.
My biggest hang up is "fitting in" as from the age of 5 I knew I was different but never knew why, I have struggled all my life to fit in, have friends, but always ended up the bullied, harassed and beaten loner. I must be the only person of my age who had no circle of friends or even a "best friend". I know that all the trouble and stress they can cause it's better to be on my own, you try to do the right thing but it always comes back to bite you in the backside. Over the years I have visited the sick, I sat at my aunts bedside on boxing day three years ago as I just wanted too, I donated lots of cuddly toys to Tadworth Court childrens hospital, and my passion to do hospital radio is so strong and I do have my first open meeting with them at Hillingdon hospital on 25th November. Visiting wardsband bringing a smile to a sad face through either a radio request a mention or just knowing whatever I could say on radio will be heard all over the hospital is such a buzz, voluntary as it is I would never expect being paid for it as long as I have my regular job to survive all should be ok.
Feeling low today even though the day was a success shopping wise but not having control of ones future is disturbing, depressing, and the crux of all my problems.
It is 1520 and I have a flu jab to endure at 350pm I thought I was too young but apparently it is linked to my diabetes as I am an "at risk" patient

Royal Wedding Announcement

Today, November 16th 2010 Prince William and Katherine (Kate)Middleton announced their engagement with a royal wedding expected in spring/summer 2011 in London.

C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S

Preparation

When my lively lovely boxer dog Megan was a pup I was exhausted and used to say to her "will you ever calm down", now she is almost 12 I wish she was young again, she is slow with her arthritis and suffers skin flaking problems on top of her spondolitus or is it spondolisis, arthritis of the spine.
I love her so much and seeing her going slowly downhill at this present time is heartbreaking. I have hundreds of photos of her and memories which I will take to the grave.

This is so typical of me, worrying and stressing about losing her rather than enjoying her, this has been going on since someone told me boxers only live until 8-9 years old. She us now almost 12 so there are 4 years of worry that was unnecessary. Some people live stress free lives and I would love to be able to be that way but I worry about the opening of an envelope.
I am going to try and go Christmas shopping tomorrow so that should be eventful as long as I don't have a panic attack and run back to the car.

Voluntary work

As I will have some time on my hands I thought I would apply to Hospital radio around various hospitals in this area. The thought of bringing joy to faces of people who are suffering, visiting wards and taking dedications from patients is right up my street. I get a great deal of joy from work like this , it makes me feel better within myself and give something back to the community.
It is similar to when I did voluntary work for the Terrence Higgins Trust and buddied people with HIV and Aids, I found this a little traumatic as when you get to know someone well and become friends, then they die and you are allocated another person it did get a little much for me, however it made me a person who used to be able to deal with all kinds of little dramas as mine always seemed so trivial.
I gain my current faltering strength from great parents, a partner who tries to brighten up a dull day in his own special way and the fact I am not in Afghanistan, I do not have an illness which will kill me, yet, and I am safe.
Being unable to cooperate to clear up a misunderstanding recently was heartbreaking to me, friends who I nay have hurt are still truly in my heart no matter what happened earlier this year and I am sure once this is all over I would like to give them the opportunity to step back into my life and re-embrace the friendship we once had before all the crap happened at work. We all need to consider others decisions and realise we all made these decisions for a reason, I just wish I did not have diabetes then I would still have these people in my life.

From a Travel Magazine

Why BA flight attendants are on strike – by a former BA flight attendant
22 March 2010 at 8:46 am (transport)
GUEST POST: written by a former British Airways flight attendant

As the strike at BA takes effect, what are cabin crew really fighting for?

Having recently hung up my teapot and retired from my role as British airways cabin crew after five years, my heart goes out to my former colleagues battling the British Airways big chiefs and trying to retain just a few of the conditions they originally signed up for. Don’t be goaded into believing the strike is a stand over a few pennies here and there. It’s not. It’s a stand against imposition, loss of earnings and an embarrassingly sub-standard product that still costs the same inflated price. Let me fill you in on what the press hasn’t.

So what’s happening? Firstly, let’s talk basics. A cabin crew’s salary is made up of two parts. A (very) low basic which is boosted by allowances. These allowances are made up of various extra payments and can only be earned when you actually fly. They are accrued based on your fleet i.e. longhaul or shorthaul and also which flights you undertake; some being worth more than others due to length of flight, destination and nights away from base(London Heathrow).

So what’s the problem? In basic terms, the strike is twofold. It’s about BA’s plans for a new fleet that will bring in an hourly rate and massively cut crews salary and secondly, the imposition of changes to cabin crew working conditions without Union negotiation.

BA wants to implement a new mixed fleet at London Heathrow the same as they have at London Gatwick. This will involve all crew flying a mixture of long haul routes and short haul routes.

What’s wrong with that? I hear you say. Well, anyone joining the new fleet will have to sign the new terms and conditions which will be greatly reduced on all levels from the current conditions BA crew have. This new fleet will be earning far less on an hourly rate and will most likely consist of new starters who wish to do it for just a year. This will be far cheaper for the company.

If current crew don’t sign up to the new agreement (and there is NO incentive to do so – would you lose a massive chunk of your salary forever if asked?!), they stand to end up with the lowest-earning trips (and therefore cutting their salaries) or worse still, an empty roster (also cutting their salaries). Neither good.

To give you some idea of monies, on an average month I would take home about £1,750. On the new contract, I will be lucky to take home £1,000. That is a substantial cut to anyone’s earnings and especially people who have forged a career at BA and have families reliant on their income. Least we not forget that unlike many other airlines, the majority of BA cabin crew are long termers who take the job seriously and make a long-term career out of it.

The second point I mentioned is imposition. When the recession hit, all companies were forced to make cutbacks, and BA were no exception. Thousands of cabin crew agreed to part time contracts and over 2,000 crew (including myself) signed up and took voluntary redundancy to save the company money. Cabin crew also agreed to a two-year pay freeze and reduced working conditions (as did pilots although, unlike cabin crew, they have been promised the loss of earnings back at the end of the two years).

However, BA wanted to reduce both areas to a slither and refused any negotiation. Without discussion, they took a crew member off all aircraft, impacting on the level of service crew were able to provide.

For example, reduced levels on long haul flights mean that the CSD (the in-charge crew member who previously dealt with passenger problems, the in-flight entertainment and all aircraft admin) must now work on trolley during the meal service. This is all well and good until the in-flight entertainment breaks or the CSD has to deal with a passenger query and all of a sudden you have an empty trolley!

Coupled with the massively reduced product (i.e. Business class washbags are now request only. No hot towels. Not enough newspapers to go around, etc) the CSD is often away dealing with a multitude of complaints. And that is if he/she isn’t off trying to fix the in-flight entertainment system on nearly every flight.

To summarise, British Airways cabin crew are fighting to retain reasonable working conditions and salaries for themselves, as well as a respectable level of product for the customers.

As one of my former colleagues commented, “We want to work for British Airways, not a higher-class version of Ryanair.”

And that is the essence of it really; this doesn’t just affect those who fly to serve. It affects all of us who fly British Airways .

Crew wish to work for a world-class airline and I am sure you want to fly on one.

If you read this and don’t agree with the crew going on strike, that is fine. Just remember though, next time you take your British Airways seat and receive half the product you expected or a fraction of the service, it’s what you asked for, and you are in no real position to complain.

This guest post was written by a former British Airways flight attendant who wishes to remain anonymous because he/she still has many close friends in the business and does not want to jeopardise their current situation.

Rio De Janiero 14-17 October 2010

The flight itself can only be described as pure hell, lots of people crammed into a boeing aircraft and all want things at the same time, i almost needed my shoes re-healed with all the running about it did.

The hotel itself is situated 18 kilometres from Rio itself so although it is on the beach there is little to do, nothing to see and as i have not got much in common with my colleagues and no intention of socialising i find myself in my room after a stroll along the beach, it is only 2pm here , had lunch in the hotel coffee shop which was buffet style, lovely selection for us Diabetics and even fresh fruit on the dessert section. 

 The hotel rooms are all suites, large bed, lounge area, desk and a small kitchen with sink and coffee maker, the flat screen tv is in a central unit so can be spun to face the bed or the lounge/desk area. Not too many English speaking channels but there has been some good movies on the ones i have found.

All room have sea view balconies albeit with a side view, the weather was not great, over cast, cloudy but still warm and no deterrant for Brasilian locals enjoying the beach and the surf.

Here are some weird and wonderful people i discovered on my morning walk along Barra beach.

Now would you .....really!!!!!

Yes....it's a man!!

And the winner is...........well there had to be one nice picture!!!
or maybe two!!!

The beach was quite busy in areas and obviously very popular with surfers as the surf was pretty incredible from the Atlantic.

 That's all from me from Rio, i will post again from another faraway destination.

I think i have become very professional at taking my own photograph with an outstretched left arm!!

BA's got Talent

The evening got off to a bad start when the 35 minute journey to the venue took us 2hours30 mins....the M25 was a car park and 4 our of 5 lanes closed due to an accident, we bypassed it thanks to a regular map book as the satnav wanted to take us back to M25 so i ignored it.

I had my sound check and then prepared for the show, Lots of friends were there to support me, well 16, not like the 80+ that showed up to support the winner, not sure anyone had a chance of winning with the army of supporters for another contestant but i met some lovely people, and great friends, the backstage atmosphere was good in our little corner, there were some only there to win and did not speak to us as it seemed beneath them and when they did not win i could have not been happier!

Here is the link of my performance, i look small as the zoom was not used on the video camera but a professional team of people are producing a dvd with the entire show so i will wait for that.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pp_HBZDAHzg

Maggie came from Wolverhampton, i had not seen her since we worked together at Pontins in 1984, how incredible is that, it was as if we had said goodbye yesterday and then hello today with 26 years missed out in between.

Steve and i worked together in Caledonian from 1988-1991 and he has been in touch ever since, i was so touched by his enthusiasm to come and see me in the show.

Carole was the only other cabin crew member in the show, the other 7 were from different departments, we had a great laugh and calmed each other down when nervous, we also loathed the same person which was funny!!!

Paula is the daughter of Derek and Daphne who we met on a cruise in 2004, we recently added each other on Facebook but this was our first personal one to one meeting, we have so much in common as far as animals are concerned and both owners of elderly doggies that we love with all our hearts!

When we met Derek and Daphne ( Derek in pink tie, Daphne ill at home) on the cruise they were travelling with Bob ( left) and Sylvie (right) who also showed up to show their support, it was really nice to see them!

Chico was one of the judges and posed with me for a photograph after the show, what a nice guy he is, very warm and friendly, another celebrity (ish) snap for the collection.

Lucy and me, another picket line, flag waving striker, and of course Team Gary supporter, and if you look in the background you will see the lead singer from Rose Royce who came to do a short cabaret after the show, a surprise to us all but we had a great boogie to Car wash etc !!

I though Lee who organised  the event did a great job, i just wish he had more recognition at the end, i could not even see his name in the programme, well i think he reads this blog so Lee....Thank you from me!!

To cheer up a dull day!

If you can read this without laughing, you must be devoid of laughter cells......


This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 1970's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.



The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.

The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......



This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.



Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.





Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.



At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve..=20 "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let

off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.



When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and

a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.



Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

To cheer up a dull day!

If you can read this without laughing, you must be devoid of laughter cells......


This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 1970's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.



The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.

The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......



This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.



Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.





Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.



At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve..=20 "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let

off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.



When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and

a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.



Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

BA Talent Show Rehearsal

This was scheduled for 11am and as usual i was there by 1015, so grabbed a coffee and watched an Indian contestant singing in Indian with a backdrop of a movie which sort of explained what he was singing. It was very technical but not the most grabbing act for an audience.

I had been to this venue before but imagined it bigger than it was, still big enough. The room itself will be laid out on the night theatre style rows of seats, but the back and the sides will have tables and chairs, the people who are coming to support me better not take front row seats as it is really off putting when you walk on a stage and recognise someone in the front row. The judges, including Chico also seem to be very close to the front of the stage.

I sung my first song and was told i need to be more animated, but even when i watch Barbra Streisand sing "Don't Rain on my Parade" she does not fly around the stage like a loony, so i will have to work on "working the stage", and can you believe my second slow song i was also told to move around, i prefer a mic stand and to stay static when singing a slow number as it looks daft being a whirling dervish during "This is the Moment"

On the night i will be third on out of ten, not the best place to be, would prefer to be six or seven but Carole Baldock is sixth, she is singing smooth operator and On the Radio, during the instrumental break of smooth operator guess who has been roped into walking on stage in a black suit and fedora hat looking like a male smooth operator, if i did not have enough to do and think about.

The building itself is multi functional and i have attended BA courses here, it is a members only vacinity and they even have their only monthly lottery, there is a lovely subsidised bar and restaurant with outside area during warm weather and for smokers.

The advertisement for the show is plastered all over BA property, this is it....

What made me laugh was one place i found an article......

There was a draft of the programme which i had a little look at, it was no finished by any means but we all had to send in a photograph and say a little bit about ourselves, not an easy thing to do in such few words.

I am flying off to Mauritius on Sunday and i only get back the day before the show, i will use the time while i am away to rehearse in my room, sort out some hand movements and gestures to accompany the song well. Could the two free tickets to New York and the £750.00 be mine? Tune in soon to find out.

Wish me luck.

Disney Shows

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLXtR6vC6XM&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbzJ0R9Q-h8

Don't Rain On My Parade

THIS IS NOT ME BY THE WAY!!!!

Saturday nights

I loathe these nights, getting cold and dark now, autumn in here and winter is just around the corner, currently watching "Dreamgirls" and love the music, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L4kpHd0K0lg
 so expressive and the type that has you lifting out of your seat with your hairs standing up on your arm, my favourite is "I am Changing" so so good and makes me cry. I was also forced to watch a Lassie movie this afternoon which dehydrated me with crying so much, poor little Lassie, always in trouble, lame, ill....hate to watch it.

When i was young Saturday nights were a highlight, a chance to escape the daily 9-5 routine, an excuse to get out of the house and live a life, wow how things change, i am sometimes bathed and ready for bed at 4pm, curtains drawn, heating on and the tv guide highlighted with what i will be watching.

When i did my first ever flight which was a promotional flight to Edinburgh and Glasgow in 1988 i loved every minute of my job, i was not governed by salary or future, i live for the moment, i had many friends, i did mostly there and backs for almost a year before  we started to do layover flights, then the party began, seven nights in Mombassa, a week in Toronto an 11day Los Angeles trip flying back into Manchester, we did 7 days based in Manchester doing there and backs out of Manchester and based in a hotel in the city centre, we could do 12 hour plus duty days and i would still find time to go out until the small hours afterwards, now it would be slippers and horlicks and a hot bath!

I am also going to be all on my own this week Tuesday-Friday and mum hates this incase i go into a Diabetic coma or something she will have read about what could happen to me in the Doctors book which is like her bible! I always find if you read up on something you end up having all the symptoms of every disease in there.

Self-Esteem

Having no self esteem is such a bad thing, i look at my teenage years and think of all the things i could have achieved but i was always thought " i was not good enough" or " i will never get that" or " they will never pick me". I now say to everyone "go for your dreams" as if you don't succeed you will be no worse off than you are now and it is all in lifes building blocks. Over the last few weeks with all the upset at work and bad feeling a job that i was once proud of seems to be tearing me apart, half of me wants to look for another job, the rest is torn and dedicated to a job i have done for twenty two years, i still work hard, as my performance on board the aircraft is a personal thing, i do a "good job" for me and the people who have paid to receive good service, i do not do it for any other reason. I am hoping someone reading this will offer me job, a new adventure, a new journey, it is not something i would accept without great thought and probably lack of sleep but i would consider anything right 
now. How sad is that, we chose our destinies and now others quite happily add fuel to the fire and spoil things for everyone.
Blogs, Facebook and other social networking sites are becoming employers excuse for dismissing staff, some companies are hiring teams of people to browse these sites for any derogatory comments about their employers, photographs in uniform or conversations about unrest in the workplace, the only way to survive without being dismissed in some companies seems to be to speak to no one, say nothing and wear duck tape over your mouth when on company premises as others can easily coerse you into a conversation you do not want to get into, or a customer could ask questions and actually could be the press.
When i look at friends and others i see them happy and content in their work, however maybe they think the same about me as it is always more glamourous from the outside, as if i say i have a three day Miami, that sounds like three days in Miami, when in fact, i take off and work for 10 hours, arrive at midnight uk time and want to sleep but it is only 7pm in Miami, so i stay up starting the jet lag process, i wake up the next day with a headache from the aircon and drag myself out to find food, i have to be back to iron the shirt, shower, get ready and leave for the airport to look after people who have just spent 7-14 days on luxury cruise ships with a 4/1 or ever 2/1 ratio of passengers to crew, and expect the same sort of service on a 747 with 350 passengers and 14 of us to do all the work, used to be 16!!! I then work through the night of day two into the morning of day three and get home shattered, disillusioned, upset, jetlagged, stressed, and the only positive thing is if i made it his far i live to 
survive another day in the big bad world of my employer without being met at the aircraft doors and suspended.
I know somewhere down the line the internet will be my downfall, it connects me to the outside world without having to actually go there and communicate face to face, this blog is my personal diary, it allows me to offload stuff that is bugging me and helps me feel better, surely that is not a bad thing, better than making myself ill with it. As i have said before many people have friends who they can offload on, i have no one, this is how i do it and i would never stop as it really does help.
Today has been a day of drowsiness, i am either enjoying the relaxation of the cottage or it is my Diabetes and cholesterol medication, can you believe i am on the same pills, Simvistatin, as mum and dad.
They went to see my nephew today who is walking from John o groats to Lands End to raise money for the injured troops from Afghanistan, he has blisters, and suffering with his hernia but has completed 400 miles already and everyone is very proud of him, mum and dad drove to Penrith today to take him supplies, dad boiled 24 hard boiled eggs and they took them along with bananas, pies and chocolate.
The sponsorship link is:-

http://www.justgiving.com/christopher-kidd


 They were really proud of him and i am too, he is an inspiration and i really want to give him a hug right now, he is one of our family members that thinks of others and not of himself, the unselfishness of this is an attractive quality, money is evil and others seem to think it makes the world go around, it does not buy friends, only false ones, flash cars and houses are immaterial and mean absolutely nothing except the person behind the wheel is a selfish arsehole!!
My last rant is back to mobile phones, what part of "they are illegal to use when driving" do people not understand, all phones come with handsfree kits, USE THEM!!! I know someone who lost their son when a driver was on the phone and caused an accident so i get very annoyed when i see people breaking the law...i think i will carry a static camera in my car and take photographs of these selfish people, once again, their phone call is far more important than someones life...i could spit feathers!!!  

A Week in Wales

The cottage in Wales was something i was really looking forward too, but not after a very long flight from Los Angeles then a 4 hour drive to get here,i had been awake 34 hours by the time i crawled into a nice bed in the Welsh countryside.

We had a choice of two properties, The Derry which had a river view and a conservatory and The Coach House which we had initially booked, the Derry was smaller and was adapted for wheelchair access so it felt a little strange so we opted for our original choice, a former barn, this conversion was upside down being built on a hill the three bedrooms were in the basement with the lounge, kitchen and dining room on the first floor but both accessible by doors due to the fact they were built on a slope. Megan was very confused when she saw us going downstairs to bed and thought we were leaving her upstairs on her own,she soon got used to the layout and even worked out which cupboard her treats and food were stored and started scratching on the door like she does at home.

The Kitchen, lounge and dining room were all open plan with a pine staircase in the middle leading down to the bedrooms.

The Tv was small for the size of the room but not all visitors make it their first priority but when you have a dog who is almost 12 with spinal arthritis we can not go out walking all day as she gets uncomfortable, we took a stroll today on a small beach called Trearth today, it had stopped raining and the wind was blowing from the south making in warm and pleasant. After a drive back to the cottage on thin and winding roads we arrived back at the cottage where we will be in for the night, having fry-up with last nights sunday roast left overs.

Master Bedroom

New Quay, (two words and not Cornwall) is slightly north of Cardigan in the west coast  it was a lovely day, sunshine and fish and chips out of the paper, the only way to eat them!!

The Stairs down to the bedrooms

Ged and Megan on Tenby Beach, she loves the water.

Lyn and Linda arrive tomorrow from Nuneaton in Warwickshire, they are staying one night then heading back on Wednesday, i am hoping they understand that Megan cannot be walked out all day and happy to take a ride with us somewhere with a short stroll, maybe Tenby, not sure.
We were at the Vets today in Cardigan to get Megan more Rimadyl painkillers as we needed more and knew they would be cheaper than in the south where they rip us off with their ridiculous prices, at least 50% cheaper here, just wish i could get them here all the time but vet practices will only issue 3-4 prescriptions before they need to see the dog for an examination so its impossible to have the ordered and delivered over the telephone or internet.
Last time we rented a cottage it was for 5 nights this is for 7 nights and maybe too long, £539.00 for the week, a pay meter for the electric and have to settle up at the end of the week for the heating or oil we have used.
I am having withdrawal symptoms with the internet as there is limited if any access here, i can get on slightly from the garden but the walls are so thick it cuts out any signal from the outside, so my facebook account is being ignored as is any other site i frequented.
Really peed off that i left 200 cigarettes and a bottle of Vodka, not for me i might add, on the aircraft after the Los Angeles, they were for my neighbour, £35.00 wasted!
It is now 2300 on Monday night i am watching a programme on BBC4 all about Newcastle, i have learnt a lot, i knew all about Grays monument in Gray Street but i had no idea it was Earl Gray the tea man, it has all made me feel very homesick, i miss the North East so much, i still question will i want to go back to these memories when mum and dad are with me no more, will i want to see our family home with a strange car parked on the drive, will i want to walk the lovely walks i did with Megan when she is here no more, will i smile with these lovely memories or will i cry. My inner self would take me as far away as possible for my memories, i have hundreds in my mind i don't really need visual memories. I would move overseas, as i have said before i have no friends, no confidents and no one that i would have to say goodbye too, i am a lost soul in a huge world, i am spinning and don't know which direction to take, which road to drive down, which country to live in. They are now showing the bridges of the Tyne now, Mum and dad were in the first 100 people to walk over that when it opened with dads three sisters, they all have medals as proof, yet another memory i have and one that would be in the forefront of my mind should i walk over that bridge in teh future.
We have all made mistakes in our lives, relationshop faux pas,incredibly stupid job choices and looking back we could have done so much more, and now many of those opportunities are out of our grasp either due to age or medical problems. I have been really bad this week and had a few sweets and biscuits, Diabetes could kill me and i still take chances but most of the time i am very good and try to stick to a rigid healthy diet and seriously reduce my salt and sugar intake.
I have a poem someone gave me to read when you lose a pet, i just read it and was going to type it onto here but i ended up crying so much i could not face typing it out and having to see it again, very very very sad, a day i dread, i am looking at Megan now, she is all comfy, warm, safe and loved, she is snoring and is so content even though we are in a strange environment for her, as long as we are here she is happy, she keeps waking up and checking we are still here and have not left her then once she has made that check she flops back down into a deep deep sleep.
She has been having panting problems, for instance we left home at 2pm Saturday she panted all the way here and did not stop until 930pm that night, once she falls asleep it stops, i am convinced she is a little stressed with the journey and the strange house we are living in for one week that she becomes anxious, it is not a heat pant, definately a stress one! I once saw a vets documentary on tv and there was a dog rushed in with panting and breathing problems and it was in fact the owner that was causing it with her negative vibes and personal stresses which the dog had picked up on, after one hour away from her the dog was as calm as a cucumber!!
I will say goodnight to day Two in the cottage, off to bed soon.
Day five started early with Linda and Lyn up at stupid o clock ready for a day out, i was panicking as they are avid walkers and i knew Megan would not be able to walk the distances they could, i was pleased when we visited a small fishing village on the west Wales coast called New Quay, seperate words unlike the Newquay in Cornwall. It was very quaint, a small stone pier led out to a mountain on small boats and fishing vessels, one side of the pier was choppy waves while the wind protected side glistened like a small garden pond in the sunlight.
I have thoughts of mum and dad on their cruise starting on 26th September from Newcastle, it has a great itinerary but i am sure they will have some rough days at sea, They leave Newcastle, then Portland Dorset, St Peters Port in Guernsey, Milford Haven Wales ( close to us now) Dublin Ireland, Tobermory Scotland, Invergordon Scotland and back to Newcastle, it is the "Around the Uk" cruise, they are in cabin 9004, superior suite on The Boudicca Fred Olsen Cruise lines, they are Norwegian based but have four ships all beginning with the letter "B" Balmoral, Black Watch, Braemar and Boudicca, all very English, money on board is uk £ and drinks all very reasonably priced, the shore excursions can be very expensive so i put £200 on the cabin expenses, this is on top of the extra £800 i paid to get them a good cabin ( unknown to them).
Tomorrow will bring a drive to Tenby in the south and a leisurely stroll before heading back to the cottage, Friday a nice walk on Cardigan Bay beach and we leave Saturday to drive home. We are both off until 26th September, and our dog walker/sitter is on holiday that very same time we both go to work so looking at alternatives, Mum and dad on cruise so have to rule them out, now it's Ged's sisters to the rescue. I only wish i had better internet access here then i could check flight, train and coach prices as it would cost me £80 to pay dog walker for four full days of looking after Megsy Moo Pots!!